Last week I was edgy. I had that open nerve feeling again… Things my son said hurt me more than they would normally, his attitude and action really getting on my nerves.

After dealing with as much of it as I could, I hid myself away in the bedroom. I lay down for a while and silently cried. Then it dawned on me… I’m tired. I’m wore out, exhausted and every sensation has been magnified a thousand times over.

I’ll admit, I do like to sleep. I use taking a nap or going to bed early as an escape. An escape from teenage angst, of a cluttered house I can’t manage to keep tidy, to escape the laundry piling up over the top of the hamper although I swear I just did 3 loads yesterday!

But with as much as I sleep, I rarely feel well rested. This past week even less so with the added exercise I’ve started to do.

I’m trying to find ways to rest, recuperate, even if I’m not able to take a nap (and honestly, trying to cut out much of time “sleep to escape” habit)

• Resting in a hot bubble bath is top of the list at the moment!
• When the weather warms up I’ll spend time lounging in my hammock, watching birds and clouds.
• Massage – the local massage academy offers 1 hour massage for $34.00.
• Painting. I tend to forget about how relaxing painting can be until I’m working on a piece and I have to stop because I’m getting drowsy. Or maybe I need to paint more energetically!
• Reading – a good laugh out loud book like something by Christopher Moore or Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson’s “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” as soon as it comes out in April. I don’t know for certain if Jenny’s book will be laugh out loud, but from reading her blog & tweets, I’m pretty sure it will be!
• Walking – even a short trip around the block does wonders for a negative attitude.

I’m trying to avoid mindless ‘empty’ activities such as watching TV or playing video games.

Goddess Leonie prompted us to think about how we are goddesses. I’ll admit I’ve always been drawn to the Greek & Roman myths since I was in 6^th grade and made a ‘student librarian’ once a week. I figure my lack of book reports in 5^th grade prompted that, but I discovered the mythology section and went wild.

Then Clash of the Titans came out the following summer.

I knew then I was a Goddess.

Upon my 40^th birthday, I took the username TheAmpleGoddess for a yahoo group about intuitive/anti-diet eating. No one joined the group and a few months later I deleted the account but the name stuck. I’ll admit I’m a big girl. I do want to lose some weight and the whole “I’m fine with being at the weight I’m at” isn’t me. As a kid I was knees and elbows, scrawny legs and arms. Once I discovered emotional eating, again the summer between 6^th & 7^th grades, is when I started gaining. But that’s another story….

I’m now 42 years old and I have thought of ditching the moniker TheAmpleGoddess but I’m know by that name now. On Twitter, it’s my blog URL, I’ve named my studio (corner of the dining room) TheAmpleGoddess-Arts.

It’s gone beyond a body description. It’s an attitude description. It’s about NOT BEING AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF –maybe that’s what it started out to mean in the first place.

It’s about having a pet rock named Big Foot you found when you were 8 yrs old, and still having it by your back door when you’re in your 40’s.

It’s about stopping in the middle of the day to take a deep breath and ground.

It’s about being mesmerized watching birds flying when you’re stopped at a stoplight.

It’s being excited when you see the 1^st little green sprout of a hyacinth or daffodil peeking through the hard cold soil.

It’s about bearing your soul and being vulnerable.

It’s about knowing you’re not alone.

In the throes of a physiological need for chocolate, I picked up some dark chocolate covered raspberry jelly sticks (think Cadbury Turkish Delight) last week.

Today my stomach started growling so I thought I’d have a few sticks. My stomach is still growling, so I grab a few more… still growling. I need FOOD. REAL FOOD!

I thought it was interesting, the last week and a half I’ve really watched what I’ve eaten. I’ve cut out a lot of the junk & snack food, have eaten more fruits & veggies. When my body is needing sustenance (not a comfort food craving, but it’s been 4-5 hours since I’ve last eaten and I need energy producing fuel foods), the sugary empty calorie stuff won’t cut it. I could have eaten the whole box of those delicious little sticks and my stomach would STILL be growling.

So almonds it is, and my stomach isn’t growling now. I had an ‘ah ha moment’ when it dawned on my empty calories really are EMPTY. No matter how much of them I ate, I wasn’t satisfied, physically or emotionally.

How many other things in our life are “empty calories”? 

2011 was as year of in-between places for me. Job changes mostly but the constant uncertainty of what was going to happen next. I’d like to say I had learned from the living in limbo to be relaxed in the space of unknowing but that’s yet to happen. I am more comfortable there than I had been in March 2011 however.

The letting go is frightening. I’m not afraid to grasp what is in front of me. I don’t think I’ve ever been afraid to go after things I want, but I do have such a hard time of letting go of that bar behind.

The past is comfortable. It’s reassuring. Even if it’s something that is literally gone and no longer exists (like my previous job), I find myself reminiscing, wishing things were the same.

But it eventually fades into the background. I had to take my son’s eyeglasses for repair earlier this week. My eye doctor is next to the place I used to work (new company now) and I thought how unfamiliar things seemed. Not like “I’m lost” but “Wow, I this seems so different” – I didn’t have the familiarity with it that I thought I had…or did have 6 months ago.

I think the last 6 months I’ve been in the in-between. My new company is feeling more comfortable and the old one is slowly slipping into distant memory.

Maybe I’ve finally let go…..

*This post is from the past.  Next time I write with the idea of a future post date, I’ll refer to everything in the past tense.  Fish fingers & custard anyone?

I overdid it today at lunch. I knew I would, so it’s not a setback and I don’t feel failure because of it.

I love Sonic. I’m not sure if they’re all over the US but here Oklahoma, it’s the go to drink stop. You can add flavors to their soda fountain drinks to make a gazillion different combinations. My personal favorite is Vanilla Diet Dr Pepper (with Cranberry Diet Sprite a close 2^nd).

So running errands at lunch I picked up a #1 with mayo (Sonic burger) with medium fries and my Dr Pepper addiction fix. I get to work and add it myfitnesspal and whoa… 1040 calories!! The medium Vanilla Diet Dr Pepper was 40 of those calories alone!

I have 25 calories left for the day. Well, that’s not going to work, it was only noon when I ate. I have a pudding cup in my lunch tote, if I get desperate for food (my stomach starts growling and it’s not “oh I’m bored, I think I’ll eat”).

4:15 rolls around… stomach is beginning to growl. I’m having tea with a friend and I could wait & grab a scone there. I have no idea how many calories that thing would have but it’s yummy and a nice splurge. But wait, you splurged at lunch. Ok – pudding cup it is.

I grab my tote bag for the pudding cup and wait… there’s an apple in here too!! <Cue heavenly music> An APPLE! I know it’ll put me over my calories for the day but that was going to happen when I eat dinner (until I burn a few running or playing the Wii), and it’s not a pudding cup, or scone.

Now I’m trying to pick fibrous apple peel from my teeth knowing that I won’t feel the urge to cave to a scone craving. At least not until it’s planned and done mindfully!!

I have seen a few of my Fearless Painting Sisters posting about their Word for 2012. I think it’s somehow linked to a website or workshop so I’ll have to do some digging but at the first of the month I was mulling over ideas for words and this one keeps coming back up.

LOVE

It started back when I was in BIG. We were talking about letting things happen without forcing our own will or opinion and Connie started singing “Let it be” during our video chats. I decided to add some Beatles songs to my mp3 player and “All You Need is Love” really struck me. I’ve thought about switching my TARDIS landing ringtone for a snippet of All You Need is Love but haven’t yet done it. (It would be hard to give up the TARDIS)

While I was shopping at a Dollar General for a small bowl/vase thing to use for candle meditations (more on that later…) I saw the little bird in the pic above. It’s kind of cheesy for my tastes and there were 2 other birds with Laugh and Joy on their sides but only one Love bird left. Being only $1.00 I figured ‘why not?’ and bought it to sit on my desk at work to remind me of my 2012 Word.

So I think there may be a lot of love related blog posts in the upcoming year.

I really love how juicy inktense watercolor pencils are.

So now, I’m at my ‘big’ laptop and I have completely forgotten what I was going to write about.  This really happens more often than I’d care to admit.

The funny thing is, on my way to lunch I thought “Oh, I’ll jot down some topics for blog posts in my notebook”.  I always have a notebook/journal in my purse for grocery lists, bitchy rants, quotes and things I want to remember.  Did I write during lunch at all?  Nope.

The New Year has started off on a super positive note.  The temperatures are still in the 50′s and 60′s (LOVING THIS) and I’m excited about Patti Digh’s 37 Days webinar tomorrow night.  My cupcake waits at the ready!   I’m also taking Alisa Burke’s Create Daily workshop.  I’ll admit I haven’t created daily but I’ve THOUGHT about it, which is a bit of an improvement.  I colored my hair tonight, that takes creativity.  Or guts.  (I’m back to dark brown, so not really guts. Not the fuchsia purple I’m going to do one of these days….)

I AM back in belly dance classes.  It was fun but chenes kicked my butt last night.  After a stomach virus and having a head ache, doing turns wasn’t fun.  I’ve really never been a fan of turns or spins.  Maybe I’ll spend a few days in the backyard spinning around like I did when I was little.  Spinning was fun as a child.  Why don’t we keep doing fun things like that as we grow up?

Oh, aaand  I’m doing the Year with Myself workshop thing (there’s a link to it on the left side of my posts).   I’ll use those prompts in upcomping posts throughout the year.

Tonight is a take it easy and not stress too much about what I get done night.  I’ll go watch TV and doodle the rest of the evening.  Sounds like a plan….